You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
