Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize