I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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