my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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