Umm I'm too high to move.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She told me I should be a condom model.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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