Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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