Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Randomize
