We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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