I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
