New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Found your dick twin last night
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
