see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
