She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize