In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Randomize
