I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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