We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
