Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
