I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
