Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
