i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
