If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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