What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
