your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
