Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
