you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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