At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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