Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
