It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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