how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
