i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
