forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize