One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
