Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
