You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
