Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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