It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
