Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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