I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
