so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
