i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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