i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
