Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
