I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Randomize
