fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize