college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
