dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
May the power of my ass compel you!!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
