Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
