dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
