My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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