Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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