he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
