I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize