based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
