Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
