Soap is not a condiment
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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