someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
