The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
