you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It's official drugs can't kill me
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
