Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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