we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I deserve this hangover.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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