So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
